Wednesday, June 29, 2011


My Steve (Right)
I have been spending a lot of time on my belly, face down on the floor, the last two days.  When I got the call that my oldest and best friend was dead, it seemed like the only safe thing to do because one of my tethers had been cut, our connection deep in our bellies had been severed and I was bleeding grief....hemorrhaging from the very deepest place in me.

I have experienced the difficult loss of a loved one before,  two dads, , grandparents, my friend Kim-but this.....this is the most difficult thing I have had to walk through, I am not even sure that I can.  It's hard to breathe, I can't even say out load that he is dead.  I have tried and I just hemorrhage some more.

Stephen loved me like nobody else in my life ever has.  He loved all of me, even the ugly parts, even when I couldn't love myself. He judged everyone but me.  He saved me from bad relationships, bad decisions, rubbed salve on my wounds and walked me through the good stuff too.  I did the same for him.  To lose my "no matter what" friend is paralyzing...there really are no words to describe this ache, ...his absence, the disconnection of our energy....the raw sucking wound it has left behind. 

It was just a few weeks ago that I posted this about Steve on FB:
"Was talking to my bestest friend ever tonight...who I havent actually seen in many years. He is the kind of friend who would help me hide the body if necessary and never pass judgement. The kind who would bail me out of jail, no questions asked (he did that once...long story) or tell me the truth about myself when nobody else will. I was thinking how blessed I am to have that kind of friendship, that has endured many years (25+), lots of distance, several significant others, heartache, joy....just life. To be loved like that is such a gift. Love you back SS."

I don't really know to do next, how to keep going without my "ultimate safety net", my Steve, my friend, my kindred spirit.  The floor seems like the only safe and sensible place to be.

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