Saturday, September 22, 2012

Reflections from another day by the sea

Feeling really blessed this evening.  I have had the priveledge of walking on nine beaches over the past two days of this unexpected trip.  Each one had its own treasures to find and brought its own insight to me.  When I got on a plane three days ago to come here, I wasnt even sure of my purpose for doing so.  I was listening to my heart and it told me I needed to come, so I did.  Not surprising was that I was able to experience the peace and healing that the sand between my toes always brings.  What I didnt expect was the clarity of my purpose for being here that unfolded and the complete understanding of what I want my life to be and the direction I need to take it.  This journey to authenticity is not quite finished it seems.

When I started down this path of finding Miss P. I made a decision to stop living in fear and live from a place of love.  It means living with my heart wide open all the time, really listening to it when it speaks to me and working really hard to stay in that space.  It means that I am really vulnerable  alot of the time. I feel things on a much deeper level than I used to-the good stuff like love, joy, peace, contentment but also the hard stuff like sadness, grief, loneliness.  I can also feel what other people are feeling too.  Its all part of living open hearted-its all or nothing.  I cant shut off the hard stuff and still feel the good stuff so I have learned to welcome it all.

So today after another profoundly joyful beautiful day by the sea,   I had to surrender when the wave of grief came as I drove inland through the wine country. Part of me was missing, the part that was suppose to be driving with me there.  I didnt see it coming and it hit me like a ton of bricks and I started sobbing.  I HATE the f-ing sobbing.  It's exhausting but I know that if I dont just surrender to it, it will show up as something else later. So I pull over, and lean in and sob...and sob...and sob.  I feel weak and raw and small, and I HATE it.  When I am finally done, I catch a glimpse of myself in the rearview mirror-not pretty. Not pretty at all but I am full of compasion for this brave girl I see.  I made a choice when this grief came to not medicate it (except for the tattoo), not shut down so I didnt have to feel it.  I chose to remain open hearted as I walked through this and as hard as it is, I am doing it.  So I guess I am not so small and weak after all.

There are still two days left of this journey.  I have no idea what they will bring or where I'm even going.  I am just trusting my heart to take me where I need to go.  What I do know is my heart is telling me that nothing in my life is what it is suppose to be right now. Nothing. I have to listen to that and it can only mean that BIG changes are ahead....another chapter of the journey.  Yes, feeling really blessed today.  Exhausted but blessed......and not brave, fearless.       


Friday, September 21, 2012

Lessons from the Oregon Coast

An unexpected trip to the Oregon Coast has also brought some unexpected lessons/revelations today.

1. From the drive: Pay attention.  If you dont you miss the beauty that is under your nose.
2.  From the ocean: My soul needs the ocean.  I can't go 9 months  without my feet in the sand again.  It's not healthy for me or the people I love who have to deal with me.

3. From the sand dollars that were everywhere:  You can only see the beauty of the broken sand dollars when you stop comparing them to the whole/perfect ones.

4.  From the drift wood:  Sometimes the rough seas are there to soften your edges.

5.  From the slow to emerge sun:  The  dark skies are temporary.

6.  From a friend:  Forgiveness, whether giving or receiving-is a gift.

7. From the hotel desk clerk: Joy is contagious.

8. From a sunset:  Sometimes you just have to stop thinking and doing so much.  Be still and soak it up.

9.  From the day:  Sometimes the best days are the ones where there is no plan.  Go with the flow.  

Friday, September 14, 2012

Please Honor My Silence...Again.

I find myself back in this familiar place of grieving....profound grieving.  I have retreated, as I always do when I am in this place.  I need space and solitude to process what has happened and begin to heal.  I know when I do this, that it is difficult for the people who love me and want to help but you can't. What I need most is for you to honor my silence and stillness.  Trust that I am safe and that I know what I need to heal.

Please don't ask me how I am.  It forces me to stop and assess and I just end up in a million pieces.  Right now I am getting through minute by minute, soon hour by hour, then day by day.  If I get to a place where I need help, I will let you know-promise.

Please don't touch me.  I can't tolerate the closeness.  I am so raw that my skin hurts.  If I need you to hug me, I will ask for one.

Please dont ask me what happened.  Even if I could find the words to tell you my story, you would not be able to comprehend the depth, the beauty or the sacredness of it.  No, this story will never be told.  Out of love, respect and gratitude for him, it will remain in the deepest place of my soul and on the pages where it has been written.  Yes, it was worth every minute of this heartache and I would do it all over again even knowing how this chapter ends.

Please don't be offended.  I don't want to know what you think I should do, or what you think I need.  I've done this grieving thing before, remember? I know what I need and that is for you to honor my silence....again.