Its been a challenging week. RAW is the only word that comes to mind. All of the things I have avoided feeling for the last year have begun to seep out of my skin and my usual ways of holding them at bay are failing me....so I have no choice but to lean in and hope I come out on the other side. It's been rough, really rough. I feel weak, vulnerable, flawed, and of course UNWORTHY to be loved right now. I hate it. I hate that when I am less than my best self I always end up there-on unworthiness island. I retreat, isolate, avoid until I deem myself ACCEPTABLE again. Thankfully, I have a few people in my life who find me acceptable when I don't. They love me anyway-even all the ugly parts, the unrealistic expectations, even when I don't want to be loved. One of the beautiful women in my tribe sent me this quote with a sweet note reminding me that my worthiness to be loved is a birthright. No one on the planet is unworthy of love. Thank you sister for your WISDOM....and your LOVE. This quote will be my mantra in the coming weeks
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Last week marked the one year anniversary of my beloved friend Stephen's death. I would like to tell you that time has healed my heart but it hasn't. All time has done is allow me to get used to the dull ache that is always present and figure out how to keep living without him. I still have days when I lay on my face on the floor because I miss him so much. It is still hard to believe he's gone. Sometimes I have to say to people "Steve is dead, he drowned" just to hear it outloud, to make it real. It never sounds real but it feels real-every day. On the anniversary date I was laying in a hospital bed with the blood of a stranger dripping into my body so I could get well (there is a significance to that that, that is between me and Steve-too personal to share). I was so weak that I kept drifting in and out of sleep. Maybe I was dreaming...maybe not, but I could hear him whispering to me and could swear that he sat on the end of my bed for a while during my transfusion. It was a surreal but comforting day. I have come to understand that this grief is a symbol of how much he was loved and so I embrace it and lean in when a wave comes.
So what's next? This month is going to be difficult because I am starting life over by myself. I am trying to let things unfold as they are suppose to. All of this uncertainty is hard but part of the process I suppose. Things feel really out of control right now, not something I handle well. I am learning to be ok with that-I say "I don't know" alot and I am silent alot too. I am trying to stay grounded.
I've spent the last year on demolition, now it's time to rebuild and remodel. Maybe I will chop off all of my hair and dye it red, maybe I will buy a food truck and travel the country selling tacos, or maybe I will learn to parachute..........who knows. What I do know is that Miss Paisley is looking forward to new dreams and new adventures. I will keep you posted.