She Flies By Her Own Wings

I've been quiet for a while.  I had to go inward for this last leg of the finding Miss P. journey-a place so deep that there are no words.  You see I found Miss P, found me....just had no idea all of the painful, confusing and joyful places this process would take me. I had no idea that while I was shedding layers to get to me, I would also shed people, beliefs, dreams, and sometimes the skin off of my back. I have had to make decisions that have hurt people I love in order to live this authentic life.  I have had to face some truths about myself-some of them ugly truths in order to be real about who I am.  I have had to embrace uncertainty, vulnerability, and allow myself to break wide open.  I have spent alot of time feeling RAW and untouchable-sometimes the layers fall off with relief and sometimes they have to be ripped away.  I am down to the last layers now and I fly by my own wings.  I still have work to do-I still fight the gremlins sometimes,  its still easy to fall into unworthiness mode and I seem to still let people into my life that I don't matter to so that they can validate that for me.....I am much less tolerant of those people now and they don't get to stay long.  I still medicate so that I don't have to feel things sometimes.  But, I feel whole and good in my skin......most days.  I'm cool with most days.  I am not looking for perfect, just whole.

Last week marked the one year anniversary of my beloved friend Stephen's death.  I would like to tell you that time has healed my heart but it hasn't.  All time has done is allow me to get used to the dull ache that is always present and figure out how to keep living without him.  I still have days when I lay on my face on the floor because I miss him so much.  It is still hard to believe he's gone.  Sometimes I have to say to people "Steve is dead, he drowned" just to hear it outloud, to make it real.  It never sounds real but it feels real-every day.  On the anniversary date I was laying in a hospital bed with the blood of a stranger dripping into my body so I could get well (there is a significance to that that, that is between me and Steve-too personal to share).  I was so weak that I kept drifting in and out of sleep.  Maybe I was dreaming...maybe not, but I could hear him whispering to me and could swear that he sat on the end of my bed for a while during my transfusion.  It was a surreal but comforting day.  I have come to understand that this grief is a symbol of how much he was loved and so I embrace it and lean in when a wave comes.

So what's next?  This month is going to be difficult because I am starting life over by myself.  I am trying to let things unfold as they are suppose to.  All of this uncertainty is hard but part of the process I suppose.  Things feel really out of control right now, not something I handle well.  I am learning to be ok with that-I say "I don't know" alot and I am silent alot too.  I am trying to stay grounded. 

I've spent the last year on demolition, now it's time to rebuild and remodel.  Maybe I will chop off all of my hair and dye it red, maybe I will buy a food truck and travel the country selling tacos, or maybe I will learn to parachute..........who knows.  What I do know is that Miss Paisley is looking forward to new dreams and new adventures.  I will keep you posted.