Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Finding My Way

If you had told me 4 months ago that I would be moving to Oregon, changing careers, and basically  starting life over, I would have laughed at you.  I had no idea that listening to my heart would result in an unexpected trip to the Oregon coast that would reveal to me that that was where I needed to be.  I set a goal of a year-I would go in a year.  I still had work to do in AZ.  What is it they say? "If you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans" .  I came home from that trip to learn that the grant funding for my job that I love wasn't renewed.  I had three months plan  Everything that has happened since, has felt guided and completely out of my control. Everything I have needed/wanted has been given to me and everything that I am passionate about has been dropped at me feet..  I have learned to just trust the plan that God has for me.  Amazing things are ahead. I know this with absolute certainty.

The thing is, I'm scared.  Usually, when I do stuff like this-that looks crazy to everyone else, I'm fearless or at least brave.  But this time I am doing this without my wingman.  Back in the day (when I did things like this frequently) it was BFF Stephen that would support me, drive me there, get me settled in (cant tell you how many times he happily moved my futon and books) and take me in if it ended in disaster.  But he is gone......he's dead...he drowned.....still have to remind myself sometimes.  I dont have my wingman and I need him.  I need him to get me through this week of goodbyes, to keep me looking forward, to move my say "wench you've got this, now strap on a pair and let's do it".  All part of my journey I suppose-to be scared and do it anyway on my own.  I know I can do this without him...find my own way, I just don't want to.  I miss him, he should be here for this....once again God had other plans that I must trust.

Lot's of reflection and "last times" this week.  I had my last middle of the night call to take care of a rape victim.  I love the work that I do, It matters.  I will miss it and the amazing women who are on my team.  I had my last big sister family chaos Sunday dinner.  I love those-the dancing nieces in tutus, holding babies, guitars, good food, stories, games, lots of choas, lots of laughter, and lots of love.  This week, I got to see my brother Alan for the first time in many years.  He has grown into a beautiful man-funny, handsome, gentle, kind.  I could feel my fathers influence and look into his eyes and see my dad. I wish I knew him better.  It was probably the last time we will sit together since we are both going in different directions....but not really.  His couch is coming to Oregon with me so we will sit together often in spirit.  Right now I am sitting in the blue chair in Alpine that my sweet step dad used to sit in, likely for the last time.  I love this chair, its worn where his hands used to lay and I like that.  He used to call me "toots" and make me feel like I mattered.  I can feel that in this chair.  I will miss it.  I still have two more going away parties to get through, one more office to clean out and a closet full of shoes to let go of. Then the hardest goodbyes, that I am saving for last.

The big move is next week.  My energy will shift and I will turn my mind and my heart toward Oregon.  It will be about looking forward, new beginnings, new friendships, trusting God as my new wingman and finding my way.   

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Letting Go

"She Let Go"

Without a thought or a word,
she let go. She let go of the fear.
She let go of the judgments. She
let go of the confluence of
opinions swarming around her
head. She let go of the committee
of indecision within her. She let
go of all the 'right' reasons.
Wholly and completely, without
hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn't ask anyone for advice.
She didn't read a book on how to
let go. She didn't search the
scriptures. She just let go. She let
go of all the memories that held
her back. She let go of all the
anxiety that kept her from moving
forward. She let go of the
planning and all of the
calculations about how to
do it just right.

She didn't promise to let go. She
didn't journal about it. She didn't
write the projected date in her
Day-Timer. She made no public
announcement and put no ad in
the paper. She didn't check the
weather report or read her daily
horoscope. She just let go.

She didn't analyze whether she
should let go. She didn't call her
friends to discuss the matter. She
didn't do a five-step Spiritual
Mind Treatment. She didn't call
the prayer line. She didn't utter
one word. She just let go.

No one was around when it
happened. There was no
applause or congratulations. No
one thanked her or praised her.
No one noticed a thing. Like a
leaf falling from a tree, she just
let go.

There was no effort. There
was no struggle. It wasn't good
and it wasn't bad. It was what it
was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let
it all be. A small smile came over
her face. A light breeze blew
through her. And the sun and the
moon shone forevermore.."   (Thank you Rev Safire Rose)