Saturday, September 21, 2013
"You've forgotten who you are" she said to me. I dismissed her. She didn't know what she was talking about, I remember thinking at the time. Fast forward a week or so and it hit me like a brick. She was right, I had slowly given myself away again. Slowly stopped doing all of the things that I love so that I wouldn't offend someone that I cared about. Sold myself out so I could be more acceptable....shit. Self betrayal is the worst kind.
I have spend the last week digging deep, rediscovering myself, replenishing my spirit that had been squashed, reclaiming every piece of my soul that had gotten scattered. I remember now......I remember.....
I am Heidi-a wild woman, a gypsy soul, a goddess, a warrior, an empath, a healer, an artist.
I am Heidi- an Aries with Aquarius rising......ya, try living in my skin with that. A fire sign and a water sign.....a goal oriented free spirit. I always have one foot on concrete (in a sensible running shoe) and the other in metaphysical land (in a sparkly hippie sandal). I need to feel safe but not tied down. I want to be spontaneous but have to know the plan. I am a constant contradiction. I know...believe me, I know. I think its kinda cool that I can kick ass and get things done...in a tie dye shirt. Just yesterday, I increased my life insurance policy and redid my retirement plan, while researching where to have my nose pierced. As I get older, I cultivate the Aquarius woman, the wild woman, I am happiest in her skin but my Aries side is still very present. If I do things that don't make sense to you, it's ok with me. I make perfect sense to me.
I am Heidi- I believe in God, Jesus, Angels, the Universe, energy, and spirit guides. I read scriptures and oracle cards, have psychic readings, go to drum circle, carry crystals, paint intuitively, pray often and meditate. And I believe that all of those things bring me closer to Source...to God. All of those things are gifts from God so that I can feel His presence. I don't go to church anymore because I couldn't feel Him there, I go out into nature to be with God, just as Jesus did.
I am Heidi-sometimes I'm brave and fearless, and sometimes I am not. I live with my heart wide open....love fiercely. If I love someone I give everything and once I love you, I always love you. The trouble with that is I seem to only be attracted to men who cant open themselves to me. Its an old pattern whose origin is with my father. I dont know if I will ever break the pattern, but I know its there and isnt a reflection of my worthiness to be loved. I know that I believe in being madly in love, so I will just keep trying.
I am Heidi-I am disorganized, messy, forgetful, scattered and sometimes lazy. I am also creative, funny, loyal, and have thought of 26 new projects to do before breakfast. Fun fact: I will probably start 4 of them and actually finish one. I am fantastic at ideas, execution is not so much my thing. I like the building process, I don't really care about outcomes. I have to create, just like I have to breathe that's all I know.
I am Heidi-I exist in this world in a different way than most people. I feel my way through......I feel everything and everybody. If you have a soul, I can feel you. It's kind of a pain in the ass sometimes and it can be overwhelming sometimes too. I never make decisions based on my thoughts....I hate thinking. I choose jobs, cars, places to live, clothes, partners, friends, etc. by what their energy feels like to me. That's what the trees are about. I love the trees because they feel like old grandmothers to me. I love how they ground their roots deep into the earth while they reach heavenward....I try to do that too.
I am Heidi-I have junk....old junk that I carry around as part of my life experience. Junk that screwed me up, changed who I was, and nearly killed me a time or two. Junk that brings me to my knees every once in a while. The thing is, I am not my junk. I don't allow it to define who I am even when it occasionally seeps through the cracks. It's just a reminder of how far I've come.
I am Heidi-I have a thick waist, large uneven breasts, a few grey hairs and deep laugh lines. I have eight tattoos, a nob on my nose, a mole on the top of my head (thankfully covered by hair) and I love all of it. It all tells my story. MY story....the story of who I am.
I haven't forgotten who I am.......I remember..... and I love me.