Saturday, September 21, 2013

Remembering Who I Am

"You've forgotten who you are" she said to me.  I dismissed her.  She didn't know what she was talking about, I remember thinking at the time.  Fast forward a week or so and it hit me like a brick.  She was right, I had slowly given myself away again.  Slowly stopped doing all of the things that I love so that I wouldn't offend someone that I cared about.  Sold myself out so I could be more acceptable....shit. Self betrayal is the worst kind.

I have spend the last week digging deep, rediscovering myself, replenishing my spirit that had been squashed, reclaiming every piece of my soul that had gotten scattered.  I remember now......I remember.....

I am Heidi-a wild woman, a gypsy soul, a goddess, a warrior, an empath, a healer, an artist.

I am Heidi- an Aries with Aquarius rising......ya, try living in my skin with that.  A fire sign and a water sign.....a goal oriented free spirit.  I always have one foot on concrete (in a sensible running shoe) and the other in metaphysical land (in a sparkly hippie sandal).  I need to feel safe but not tied down.  I want to be spontaneous but have to know the plan.  I am a constant contradiction.  I know...believe me, I know.  I think its kinda cool that I can kick ass and get things a tie dye shirt.  Just yesterday, I increased my life insurance policy and redid my retirement plan, while researching where to have my nose pierced.   As I get older, I cultivate the Aquarius woman, the wild woman, I am happiest in her skin but my Aries side is still very present.  If I do things that don't make sense to you, it's ok with me.  I make perfect sense to me.

I am Heidi- I believe in God, Jesus, Angels, the Universe, energy, and spirit guides.  I read scriptures and oracle cards, have psychic readings, go to drum circle, carry crystals, paint intuitively, pray often and meditate.  And I believe that all of those things bring me closer to God.  All of those things are gifts from God so that I can feel His presence.  I don't go to church anymore because I couldn't feel Him there, I go out into nature to be with God, just as Jesus did.  

I am Heidi-sometimes I'm brave and fearless, and sometimes I am not.  I live with my heart wide fiercely. If I love someone I give everything and once I love you, I always love you.  The trouble with that is I seem to only be attracted to men who cant open themselves to me.  Its an old pattern whose origin is with my father. I dont know if I will ever break the pattern, but I know its there and isnt a reflection of my worthiness to be loved.  I know that I believe in being madly in love, so I will just keep trying.

I am Heidi-I am disorganized, messy, forgetful, scattered  and sometimes lazy.  I am also creative, funny, loyal, and have thought of 26 new projects to do before breakfast.  Fun fact: I will probably start 4 of them and actually finish one.  I am fantastic at ideas, execution is not so much my thing.  I like the building process, I don't really care about outcomes.  I have to create, just like I have to breathe that's all I know.

I am Heidi-I exist in this world in a different way than most people.  I feel my way through......I feel everything and everybody.  If you have a soul, I can feel you.  It's kind of a pain in the ass sometimes and it can be overwhelming sometimes too.  I never make decisions based on my thoughts....I hate thinking.  I choose jobs, cars, places to live, clothes, partners, friends, etc. by what their energy feels like to me.  That's what the trees are about.  I love the trees because they feel like old grandmothers to me. I love how they ground their roots deep into the earth while they reach heavenward....I try to do that too.

I am Heidi-I have junk....old junk that I carry around as part of my life experience.  Junk that screwed me up, changed who I was, and nearly killed me a time or two.  Junk that brings me to my knees every once in a while.  The thing is, I am not my junk. I don't allow it to define who I am even when it occasionally seeps through the cracks. It's just a reminder of how far I've come.

I am Heidi-I have a thick waist, large uneven breasts, a few grey hairs and deep laugh lines.  I have eight tattoos, a nob on my nose, a mole on the top of my head (thankfully covered by hair) and I love all of it.  It all tells my story.  MY story....the story of who I am.

I haven't forgotten who I am.......I remember..... and I love me.    

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