Saturday, September 22, 2012

Reflections from another day by the sea

Feeling really blessed this evening.  I have had the priveledge of walking on nine beaches over the past two days of this unexpected trip.  Each one had its own treasures to find and brought its own insight to me.  When I got on a plane three days ago to come here, I wasnt even sure of my purpose for doing so.  I was listening to my heart and it told me I needed to come, so I did.  Not surprising was that I was able to experience the peace and healing that the sand between my toes always brings.  What I didnt expect was the clarity of my purpose for being here that unfolded and the complete understanding of what I want my life to be and the direction I need to take it.  This journey to authenticity is not quite finished it seems.

When I started down this path of finding Miss P. I made a decision to stop living in fear and live from a place of love.  It means living with my heart wide open all the time, really listening to it when it speaks to me and working really hard to stay in that space.  It means that I am really vulnerable  alot of the time. I feel things on a much deeper level than I used to-the good stuff like love, joy, peace, contentment but also the hard stuff like sadness, grief, loneliness.  I can also feel what other people are feeling too.  Its all part of living open hearted-its all or nothing.  I cant shut off the hard stuff and still feel the good stuff so I have learned to welcome it all.

So today after another profoundly joyful beautiful day by the sea,   I had to surrender when the wave of grief came as I drove inland through the wine country. Part of me was missing, the part that was suppose to be driving with me there.  I didnt see it coming and it hit me like a ton of bricks and I started sobbing.  I HATE the f-ing sobbing.  It's exhausting but I know that if I dont just surrender to it, it will show up as something else later. So I pull over, and lean in and sob...and sob...and sob.  I feel weak and raw and small, and I HATE it.  When I am finally done, I catch a glimpse of myself in the rearview mirror-not pretty. Not pretty at all but I am full of compasion for this brave girl I see.  I made a choice when this grief came to not medicate it (except for the tattoo), not shut down so I didnt have to feel it.  I chose to remain open hearted as I walked through this and as hard as it is, I am doing it.  So I guess I am not so small and weak after all.

There are still two days left of this journey.  I have no idea what they will bring or where I'm even going.  I am just trusting my heart to take me where I need to go.  What I do know is my heart is telling me that nothing in my life is what it is suppose to be right now. Nothing. I have to listen to that and it can only mean that BIG changes are ahead....another chapter of the journey.  Yes, feeling really blessed today.  Exhausted but blessed......and not brave, fearless.       


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