Worthiness

Its been a challenging week.  RAW is the only word that comes to mind.  All of the things I have avoided feeling for the last year have begun to seep out of my skin and my usual ways of holding them at bay are failing me....so I have no choice but to lean in and hope I come out on the other side.  It's been rough, really rough. I feel weak, vulnerable, flawed, and of course UNWORTHY to be loved right now.  I hate it.  I hate that when I am less than my best self I always end up there-on unworthiness island.   I  retreat, isolate, avoid until I deem myself ACCEPTABLE again.  Thankfully, I have a few people in my life who find me acceptable when I don't.  They love me anyway-even all the ugly parts, the unrealistic expectations, even when I don't want to be loved.  One of the beautiful women in my tribe sent me this quote with a sweet note reminding me that my worthiness to be loved is a birthright. No one on the planet is unworthy of love.  Thank you sister for your WISDOM....and your LOVE.  This  quote will be my mantra in the coming weeks

She Flies By Her Own Wings

I've been quiet for a while.  I had to go inward for this last leg of the finding Miss P. journey-a place so deep that there are no words.  You see I found Miss P, found me....just had no idea all of the painful, confusing and joyful places this process would take me. I had no idea that while I was shedding layers to get to me, I would also shed people, beliefs, dreams, and sometimes the skin off of my back. I have had to make decisions that have hurt people I love in order to live this authentic life.  I have had to face some truths about myself-some of them ugly truths in order to be real about who I am.  I have had to embrace uncertainty, vulnerability, and allow myself to break wide open.  I have spent alot of time feeling RAW and untouchable-sometimes the layers fall off with relief and sometimes they have to be ripped away.  I am down to the last layers now and I fly by my own wings.  I still have work to do-I still fight the gremlins sometimes,  its still easy to fall into unworthiness mode and I seem to still let people into my life that I don't matter to so that they can validate that for me.....I am much less tolerant of those people now and they don't get to stay long.  I still medicate so that I don't have to feel things sometimes.  But, I feel whole and good in my skin......most days.  I'm cool with most days.  I am not looking for perfect, just whole.

Last week marked the one year anniversary of my beloved friend Stephen's death.  I would like to tell you that time has healed my heart but it hasn't.  All time has done is allow me to get used to the dull ache that is always present and figure out how to keep living without him.  I still have days when I lay on my face on the floor because I miss him so much.  It is still hard to believe he's gone.  Sometimes I have to say to people "Steve is dead, he drowned" just to hear it outloud, to make it real.  It never sounds real but it feels real-every day.  On the anniversary date I was laying in a hospital bed with the blood of a stranger dripping into my body so I could get well (there is a significance to that that, that is between me and Steve-too personal to share).  I was so weak that I kept drifting in and out of sleep.  Maybe I was dreaming...maybe not, but I could hear him whispering to me and could swear that he sat on the end of my bed for a while during my transfusion.  It was a surreal but comforting day.  I have come to understand that this grief is a symbol of how much he was loved and so I embrace it and lean in when a wave comes.

So what's next?  This month is going to be difficult because I am starting life over by myself.  I am trying to let things unfold as they are suppose to.  All of this uncertainty is hard but part of the process I suppose.  Things feel really out of control right now, not something I handle well.  I am learning to be ok with that-I say "I don't know" alot and I am silent alot too.  I am trying to stay grounded. 

I've spent the last year on demolition, now it's time to rebuild and remodel.  Maybe I will chop off all of my hair and dye it red, maybe I will buy a food truck and travel the country selling tacos, or maybe I will learn to parachute..........who knows.  What I do know is that Miss Paisley is looking forward to new dreams and new adventures.  I will keep you posted.

The Call

When the call comes for more
For change
For freedom
For awakening
For stepping into who you were always meant to be


It doesn't usually arrive as a sparkly party invitation


Often the call for liberation is more like a silent stalker
A sense of being followed by something dark and disquieting that simply won't go away
A low level feeling of dread that crawls into bed with you at 3 AM
That sends your nervous system into spasm
And your mind into narrow spirals of incoherent panic


Its the visit from the unknown
That leaves you in a fog of confusion
Teetering off balance
And wandering aimlessly through seemingly outwardly purposeful days




A part of you knows that something has ended
That you're going through the motions of a life that is no longer yours

That dread is really grief
A keening cry for the old days and the old you
The one that you know so well
The one whose scent and shape has housed all you have ever recognized as home


You love this one
You don't want her to go
To die
To be no more


You cry out "Not now!
"Can't we put this off for just a tiny bit longer?"
"It's too soon"
"I'm JUST NOT READY!!"


But the pact has been made
The contract signed
The deal already done


Your soul has decided
It is time to move on
To step into a much larger world
A more authentic life


And left what was once so familiar lying on the floor like a translucent snake skin
Already shriveling in the heat and light of the brightly shining noonday sun.

        

Thank you Chris Zydel.   Copyright ©2012 Creative Juices Arts.

Now is the time

Now is the time to know
That all that you do is sacred.

Now, why not consider
A lasting truce with yourself and God?

Now is the time to understand
That all of your ideas of right and wrong
Were just a child's training wheels
To be laid aside
When you can finally live
With veracity
And love.

My dear, please tell me,
Why do you still
Throw sticks at your heart
And God?

What is it in that sweet voice inside
That incites you to fear?

Now is the time for the world to know
That every thought and action is sacred.
This is the time
For you to deeply compute the impossibility
That there is anything
But grace.

Now is the season to know
That everything you do
Is sacred.    

-Hafiz

Thanks for this reminder Pixie Campbell             

DEEP

Its been a while since I've posted.  This last painting class I took called DEEP took me to places so deep within myself there were no words for what was happening. It took me completely out of my comfort zone in ways that were incredibly difficult and beautiful at the same time.  It so wasn't about the painting.....have I said that before? Anyway, I neded some time to digest it all.

The first part of the class I did some abstract pieces both I hated and walked away from.  I kept hearing these painting tell me to add white.......so scary for me because I dont really paint with white...dont know why, jst don't.  I gave in and added some white to both aintings and they were transformed into something beautiful that I love.  Both BIG pieces are framed and on my mantle.  First time I have put up a piece of my art anywhere but my studio and office. The lesson for me in painting and in life, was to LET THE LIGHT IN.  I am worthy of it and so is my art.  Allowing the Light (Creative Source) into my art and life created a level of contrast and beauty that I would have missed otherwise.

These paintings were also about TRUST.  Trusting in what the painting was telling me and not resisting it.   That is what Intuitive Painting is all about, after all.  This lesson would smack me in the face in the weeks that followed.

It was the Week 4 Intitation that brought me to my knees in this class.  The assignment was to paint My Past, What No Longer Serves Me, or What I Wish to Let Go. YIKES!  I immediately saw a tree that represented me.  I don't really paint trees but it was very clear to me that this is what belonged on my big blank piece of paper.  I thought it was a good representation of me because of the growth I had experienced in the last year, the strength I had gained from that and the grounding roots I had acquirred in the process..........Ummm.  This painting had something much more RAW and DEEP than that. in mind.  I happily painted my beautiful "me" tree.  I was almost finished when I made a small "mistake" and then tried to "fix" it...it was ruined and I was heartbroken.  Then the painting told me to surround the tree with a purple bubble....what?!  Trust, Trust, Trust.  I did it and it made it worse...even ugly.  I was sobbing...grieving this tree that I had worked on for hours....and then it asked me to cover the whole painting in these spiderwebish white lines.....I pled with it, it was going to make it even uglier...I did it and it was indeed uglier.  I layed on the floor and just sobbed...all of the old self hate talk arrived right on time to tell me I wasnt an artist, I wasn't worthy, I was stupid for ruining my tree, how could I have been so dumb, if I had any skill at all I could have fixed the mistake without ruining it.  I HATED this painting, it was ruined, damaged, ugly, not worthy of compassion.  I tried to fix it one more time by trying to wipe off the spider web lines but they were there like big scars.  I decided to walk away and start over in the morning.  Up above is the damaged painting after I tried to wipe off the scars and the weird purple bubble thing.

I woke up the next morning realizing the the tree and everything I had done to it the night before had been a perfect representation of my past, my paint, my scars and everything that I wanted to let go of. I had surounded it with urple healing energy. The process had been painful It was like ripping off old bandaids, letting the wounds breath, heal and be released...or giving birth or both.  I suddenly has such  compassion for this damaged tree that I decide to heal her rather than start over. I pulled her off of the easel and sat with her on the floor and ministered to her, loving healing the damage from the day before, painting over the damaged places.  What emerged was a tree more beautiful than the first.  If you look closely some of the scars from the night before are still visible under the new paint but they don't define the painting anymore...just like mine.  Here is the healed "me" tree.  She has bigger branches and leaves,  bigger blooms, and shows growth yet to come.  CRAZY DEEP!!!!!!!

There were other asignments but this one was the most meaningful and beautiful for me to walk through.  I finished this class with a deeper understanding of myself on so many levels, and a deeper sense of direction.  If you are interest in Connie Hozvika's painting classes go here.  She is doing another BIG class in a couple of weeks and also has a freebie mini class on her website. You dont have to have any painting experience and you will meet some amazing women during the life changing process.

Have some other super exciting stuff tell you but it will have to wait for another day....it;s BIG!  BIG! BIG! News...so stay tuned.

What is Flow?

This is an excellent article from soulfulliving.com that talks about the practice of being in the "flow".  This will be the intention I set for myself for the new year-to live more fully in the flow. What is Flow? by Charlene Belitz and Meg Lundstrom

Awakening one morning in his sunny Austin bedroom, Caylor Wadlington heard himself saying out loud, "So I’m moving to Denver?" The words were part exclamation, part question, and they woke him up completely. As surprised as he was, he also experienced a happy, pleasurable feeling. But by the next day, he had dismissed the whole thing as just an odd dream. After all, he was cozily ensconced in Austin, where he had lived eight years, and he knew hardly a soul in Denver.

Then, out of the blue came a phone call from an officer of his national professional association, who invited Caylor to participate in a week-long work meeting — in Denver. Hmmm. . . .maybe there is something to this, Caylor thought, and without further hesitation he said yes.

In Denver, after the meeting ended, Caylor was chatting with another participant, a man who ran a school in the city. "Caylor, if you ever want to live here, I’d like to hire you to teach for me," he said. Caylor thanked him calmly, but inside he was stunned: This is amazing! Walls are coming down to open the way for me to move here!

To leave Austin, however, would require selling a professional business that was so specialized he figured it would take at least a year to find a buyer. Quietly beginning to look around, Caylor invited a friend to Sunday brunch and, over coffee and pastries, laid out the prospect. His friend was not interested, but just as he said no, a colleague of theirs walked in. Caylor had not thought of him as a buyer, but struck by the timing, he told him his business was for sale. The colleague was more than interested — he was thrilled. "Don’t tell another soul!" he said excitedly. "I definitely want it." This seems to be happening all by itself, mused Caylor. Then he received a letter from his landlord: Caylor’s condominium was going to be put on the market. A dream, an opportunity, an offer, the boot—the message was unmistakable. Caylor willingly closed down his life in charming Austin, and moved to Denver.

Caylor wears no wings, sees no auras. But to him, life works in magical and surprising ways when he’s connected to a deeper force in the Universe—and he knows he’s connected because he feels it physically, as a soft, warm feeling inside that links him to a sweet expansiveness. When he’s in that state, he experiences meaningful coincidence after meaningful coincidence. "They add magic to my life, and tell me that the action I’m taking is safe and true and right," he says. And they point the way to new opportunities: "Although I loved Austin, I was starting to feel bored and a little stuck professionally and personally," he says now. "I thought that Denver might open the way in my life to some important changes."

Caylor lives in flow — and through it he has come into a fuller, truer existence. Flow is the natural, effortless unfolding of our lives in a way that moves us toward wholeness and harmony. When we are in flow, occurrences line up, events fall into place, and obstacles melt away. Rather than life being a meaningless struggle, it is permeated with a deep sense of purposefulness and order. Flow has tremendous power to transform our lives, for it is dynamic and moves us unerringly toward joy and aliveness.

Most of us have had experiences of being in flow. In those times, we know we’re in the right place at the right time doing the right thing. We feel both exhilarated and at peace, somehow connected to something larger and greater than ourselves. Life is rich with meaning, magic and purpose. We feel vital, alive, joyful. But for most of us, it doesn’t happen often enough or for long enough. We feel glimmerings of flow, and then they fade away.

This doesn’t have to be the case: people like Caylor have learned to make flow their way of life, the rule rather than the exception. The way they do it is through synchronicity -- those meaningful coincidences in which outside events, seemingly disconnected in time and space, link up with our internal states and connect us with the greater whole.

When synchronicity happens, people like Caylor follow the direction it seems to indicate — and then they watch synchronicity happen more and more. They know they are deeply in flow when synchronicity is sparking all around them. By using synchronicity for guidance, confirmation, and validation, their lives become a dance of energy with the Universe, a give-and-take with their environment that fills their days with insight and zest.

This way of life requires giving paying attention to meaningful coincidence. Caylor, for example, could have disregarded his dream and turned down the Denver job. But over time he had developed a strong respect for what he considers signs from the Universe, both subtle and unmistakable. He has learned that by paying attention to these signs, he reaches new levels of comprehension about his inner life and his role in the world.

"Synchronicity is lyrical—a little sprite of a surprise, a little gift," he says. "It can get so big that everything can start to talk to you; everything can suggest things. When you enter that dimension, synchronicity becomes part of your self-definition."

Think of the times synchronicity has happened in your life. It might be when you thought of someone and the phone rang with that person on the other end. Maybe you ran across someone from home in a faraway place when you were feeling lonely, or the same number repeated itself at significant times, or unlikely events dramatically converged to save you in a tight spot.

When you experience flow on a daily basis, synchronicities such as these are as natural to you as breathing. Although by its very nature, synchronicity cannot be created, controlled, or planned, when you live a life of flow, you can practically depend on synchronicity to show up.

Notice the words: it’s when you experience flow — not if. That’s because the power of flow is absolutely attainable. To experience it requires first of all that you choose to undertake that process. Then you must develop the necessary skills, much as you do when you learn to ride a bike: it takes focus to learn the basics and practice to make it second nature, but once you know how to do it, you enjoy ease and smoothness and elation. Flow is a lifelong process that is rich with rewards all along the way.

In writing the book The Power of Flow, to understand how flow works, we interviewed fifty "flowmasters" — people highly engaged in the process of flow. They range in age from seventeen to ninety-six and include lawyers, dancers, secretaries, students, foundation heads, middle managers, therapists, professors, consultants, homemakers, teachers, activists, health professionals, a minister, a rancher, an inventor. We spent absorbing hours with them, delving into why their lives have purpose, inner ease and joyfulness. We asked them about their turning points, their beliefs, their daily practices. We explored why life works so well for them, and what they do day to day to experience flow consciously and consistently.

The flowmasters did not have only one approach to life. Some were feisty and engaged in changing the world; some were gentle and relaxed; some had the exuberance of children; some had thoughtful, deliberate ways. Looking back over our discussions, commonalities emerged. The flowmasters were open; they stretched themselves to learn and grow; they had deep integrity; they constantly felt steadfastly grateful; and they were dedicated to living by their inner truths. Being with them made us feel richer, and hours of engrossing conversation passed like minutes.

Valuable information came from two other sources as well. In response to magazine and newspaper articles, hundreds of people from all over the country filled out surveys on their experiences and beliefs. And we organized nine focus groups involving 98 people across the country who hashed through the topics, processes, and techniques we'd learned from the flowmasters. The flowmaster interviews, surveys, and group discussions were transcribed and sorted by subject matter into 241 categories. When printed out — a 12-hour process — the reports filled nearly 1,600 pages.

Our conclusion from this research process is that flow is the ultimate feedback machine. Flow responds directly to our beliefs, behaviors, and actions. We can either enhance this state of perfect timing and flawless serendipity, or we can diminish it and even cut it off. When we become open, willing, trusting, we experience flow as fulfillment and joy, and synchronicities pop up all over the place. When we become fearful, doubting, controlling, flow diminishes, our day is filled with blocks and frustrations, and synchronicities cease.

We distilled the major beliefs, attitudes and behaviors of the flowmasters into the nine attributes that engage flow. They are:

• Commitment – Living by our deepest values
• Honesty – Telling the truth to ourselves and others
• Courage – Overcoming our fears
• Passion—Engaging at deep levels with what we care about
• Immediacy – Being in the moment
• Openness – Saying Yes to whatever comes our way
• Receptivity – Listening to inner and outer messages
• Positivity – Finding the value in each situation
• Trust – Having faith in ourselves and the Universe

We identified fourteen practical techniques to deepen those attributes in ourselves:

1. Be aware
2. Accept yourself and others
3. Express who you really are
4. Create silence
5. Follow your intuition
6. Practice mindfulness
7. Do 100% of what you know to do – and trust
8. Finish things and move on
9. Take risks
10. Break with your old reality
11. Appreciate yourself
12. Express gratitude
13. Give of yourself
14. Get a point of view from the Universe

The response of focus groups that tried out the exercises offered in the book and the feedback of readers since then has assured us that, yes, we all have it within ourselves to expand into meaning, lightness, and serenity. We don’t have to be yogis chanting mantras in icy Himalayan caves to live in this state of inner peace. Because synchronicity is the key — and synchronicity occurs to absolutely everyone — we all have it within ourselves to live in flow.

No matter where you are on your path, this approach works. If you have been pursuing personal and spiritual growth for years, this approach can provide you with feedback from the Universe that will lead you to understand yourself even better. If you are just now turning your attention to life’s deeper questions, it offers you an easy, immediate means of access into the workings of your consciousness. If your world is devoid of meaning, here’s a way to find significance in the commonplace. A bird flying across your path, a book dropped at your feet, a postcard arriving in the mail – all can improbably but definitively connect you to deeper currents of existence.

The journey will transform your life. With synchronicity as your compass, flow is your inevitable destination.


© Charlene Belitz and Meg Lundstrom. All Rights Reserved. Adapted from The Power of Flow: Practical Ways to Transform Your Life with Meaningful Coincidence (Three Rivers Press 1998).