Whether a woman knows it or not, she is a vessel of great magnitude born capable of reshaping humanities destiny if she only knew the true depths of her innate gifts.

        Women Rise Up with ALisa Starkweather

My Fearless Journey

So my amazing painting class FEARLESS PAINTING-BIG is coming to an end.  I have been so blessed by the tribe of women I have been in class with and our FEARLESS leader Connie.  You can checkout what she does here .  Anyway, I have told you before that this class was about WAY more than painting, in fact for me over the coursre of the class, the painting became secondary.  It was about listening to my intuition and the practice of tapping into my creative source, then really listening when it was speaking to me.  I am working hard on practicing this in everything I do, not just my art.  

The next big insight I received in my FEARLESS PAINTING class was that the gremlin is a liar and is afraid of everything.  Just because it says something, doesn't make it so.  That realization has been HUGE and it came when I wanted to paint a face.  Gremlin said I couldn't, there was no way and it would be terrible if I did, people would laugh, they would know I wasn't really an artist, they would see that I am a fake and a fake isn't worthy of other peoples love.  It would be safer to just not paint a face.   So I painted faces-nobody laughed, or stopped loving me because of it.  The gremlin lied. 

It might not be the best face in town but I CAN paint one, I just don't like to.  Everything the gremlin told me about my painting was not true so it is safe to assume that everything he tells me about myself and my worthiness are untrue too.  I have come to understand that I am a good person, whether people like me or not (or like my art, or not).  Like the gremlin, someone elses negative opinion of me does not make it true.  That revelation has helped me to understand that I have a personality that can make insecure people uncomfortable but that isn't about me.  I will no longer make myself small so that other people can feel good about themselves.  I don't apologize for being a strong, confident, outspoken, amazingly awesome woman.  If you can't handle it-get over it or get some therapy so you can.  And I mean that in the most loving way.

My last BIG insight from FEARLESS PAINTING has been the realization of how FEARLESS I already was when I started the class. I knew that I was brave but that is different. Brave is being afraid and doing it anyway, fearlessness is an absence of fear. I am not afraid of things that scare a lot of people-like giving up a stable job to follow a dream, or moving across the country just because I want adventure, blazing a new trail, walking through grief, being ok in my imperfect skin, or a big ass piece of white paper.  And here's the kicker, the stuff I was afraid of, like never being good enough or worthy enough-or just enough, was not real.  It was all just a crazy lie.    I am ENOUGH and I am FEARLESS and I am and ARTIST. 

My next FEARLESS Painting class is called DEEP...can't wait to see what I learn about myself in that class.  I will keep you posted.  Thank you Connie and thank you painting tribe, for this amazing journey-I love you all. 

Everything

Everything you take for granted is a blessing. Everything you fear is a friend in disguise. Everything you want is a part of you. Everything you hate you hate about yourself. Everything you own does not define you. Everything you feel is the only Truth there is to know.

Everything you wish for is already on its way to you. Everything you think creates your life. Everything you seek for you will …find. Everything you resist will stick around. Everything you let go of stays if it’s supposed to. Everything you need is right where you are.

Every time you bless another your bless yourself. Every time you blame another you lose your power. Every time you think you can, you can. Every time you fall you must get up and try again. Every time you cry you’re one tear closer to joy. Every time you ask for forgiveness, all you have to do is forgive yourself.

Everyone you see is your reflection. Everyone you know mirrors you. Everyone wants to be happy. Everyone wants to live in joy. Everyone seeks a higher purpose. Everyone breathes the same breath. Everyone needs love to survive. Everyone has a purpose to fulfill.

Everyone’s the same as everyone else. We just get caught up in labels, names, skin color and religion. Everyone’s the same as everyone else.

-
Jackson Kiddard

Summer of Self Love, Authenticity, and Fearlessness

What a summer.  Talk about breaking wide open.  If you remember, it was the fire that started me on this journey to authenticity...to living wholeheartedly.  The universe seems to always challenge my commitment to these things and this time was no different.  Stephen's drowning has challenged me in ways I never want to experience again, but I surely will because I will lose others that I love deeply.  The universe also brings me the people I need to help me on my journey-I have been blessed with a tribe of women who are giving me exactly what I need right now.

My biggest lessons this summer  have been about self-love, self acceptance, and self compassion.  Self love isn't about getting a pedi every week or treating yourself to ice cream (ok, maybe it is a little bit).  It is about a deep understanding of yourself, recognizing your beauty and being compassionate with all the parts of yourself.  For me, it was the realization that I am not flawed or damaged...I just am.  I make mistakes, I do dumb stuff, I am not always nice, I have a belly and lopsided boobs and I am still pretty cool and worthy of love.  Being able to accept that I am not ok right now has been huge for me...six months ago I would have still tried to be superwoman through my grief...not happening now.  I am actively engaged in self care and being very tender with myself as I heal.

As part of my self care I started a painting class a few weeks ago called BIG. I wasn't looking for another class, but I knew I needed to take this as part of my journey.   It is a class in a series of FEARLESS Painting classes taught by Connie Hozvicka at Dirty Footprints Studio .  In this class, we paint BIG..poster size.  I have never done that before and I love it.  But here is the kicker...in learning to paint FEARLES  I have learned to let go of the gremlins that talk crap to me.  The ones who tell me I am not good enough, not worthy, fat, ugly, a bitch, not really an artist....you know the gremlins I am talking about.  Posting my paintings on FB, flickr, etc, isn't about me wanting everyone to see my work, it's about squashing the gremlins.  I don't really care if anyone likes my artwork.....I don't always like it either.  It isn't about what I create.....it's about THAT I create.   Putting my art out there is telling the gremlins to "bite me".  Being able to release the perfectionist gremlin and the attachment to the outcome of the art piece has only fortified my self love and acceptance.  I no longer allow the gremlins to speak to me in such unkind ways or decide if I am worthy.  I don't have to do or be anything to be loveable...I just am.  Who knew?

The class has also allowed me to practice being present.  I am famous for having my energy 10 miles ahead of me, already thinking about the next 16 projects I want to do..six that I will start and  one that I might actually follow through on.  When I paint on these big pieces of paper, I stay fully present in what I am doing.  I want to experience the process of it-how the paint feels, the colors, the emotions, the texture of the paper and the brush in my hand.  I don't worry about how it looks or if the technique is correct.  I am trying to use the same process for LIFE.  I don't want to miss a minute of the good stuff worrying about whether I got it right or not.  I have also been able to focus on what really makes my heart sing and use that as my compass for what/who I want to give my energy to.  Yep all that from a painting class (if you haven't guessed its about way more than the paint-AWESOME class).

So, these paintings are from this weeks assignment. Self portrait and a blind self portrait... I actually identify more with the blind self portrait.  I love her because she is imperfect, a little sideways, and a little silly...just like me.