The Worst Kind of "Domestic" Violence

October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  Statistically, 1 in 4 women will experience domestic (aka interpersonal) violence in her lifetime.  That means we all know someone or have experienced interpersonal violence ourselves.  This is an important topic and I don't want to be dismissive but I want to talk about a bigger epidemic that needs to be addressed and that is INNER personal violence.  Every woman I know has experienced this because we do it to ourselves. We wage war against ourselves, bully ourselves,  withhold love from ourselves.  We speak to ourselves in way we would never speak to another person....call ourselves fat, ugly, unworthy,stupid, etc.  We abuse our bodies with unhealthy habits.  We commit acts of violence against ourselves everyday and don't even recognize it. Even worse, as they watch us perpetrate against ourselves, we are teaching our daughters to do it too.......opening the door for them to attract men who will reinforce the negative beliefs they have about themselves.  

It is time for us to extend ourselves some compassion, grace, acceptance and love.  To proclaim our "enoughness" just as we are.  To recognize ourselves as the amazingly imperfect goddesses that we are. To be good in our skin no matter what it looks like.

I read this from Chris Zydel this morning:

It doesn't matter if you made some choices that did not turn out the way you expected them too. If you ended up feeling disappointed. Or like you failed.

It doesn't matter if you promised yourself that you would stop doing something or start. And then you didn't. Or you stop and start and stop and start and don't get as far as you thought you would.

It doesn't matter if you're scared. And because you're scared you spend time agonizing and feeling paralyzed.

It doesn't matter if you think you made a mistake. Or others think you made a mistake. Or if you actually DID make a mistake.

It doesn't matter if you keep falling off of your own personal wagon again and again and again. Or that you have patterns that you can't seem to break.

It doesn't matter if you make six figures, or lose that 10 pounds or have a house on the beach or are blissfully happy in your life.

The only thing that matters is that you keep yourself in your own heart. No matter what the external circumstances are. And if you can't do that, find someone else who can love you. And if they're not around , try and remember that Spirit doesn't care what you do or don't accomplish.

The only thing that matters to Spirit is love. Because Spirit is love. And you are Spirit. Which means YOU are love. And ARE loved. Always. No matter what. You are loved.

Thank you Chris. Every once in a while I need to be reminded what I am made of...who I am made of. I am grateful for tribe sisters who do that.

So to acknowledge Domestic Violence Awareness Month and to honor those women who have been lost to interpersonal violence, I am committing to end my INNER personal violence and start exercising grace and loving acts for myself. Please do the same.

PS..I love you

Remembering Who I Am

"You've forgotten who you are" she said to me.  I dismissed her.  She didn't know what she was talking about, I remember thinking at the time.  Fast forward a week or so and it hit me like a brick.  She was right, I had slowly given myself away again.  Slowly stopped doing all of the things that I love so that I wouldn't offend someone that I cared about.  Sold myself out so I could be more acceptable....shit. Self betrayal is the worst kind.

I have spend the last week digging deep, rediscovering myself, replenishing my spirit that had been squashed, reclaiming every piece of my soul that had gotten scattered.  I remember now......I remember.....

I am Heidi-a wild woman, a gypsy soul, a goddess, a warrior, an empath, a healer, an artist.

I am Heidi- an Aries with Aquarius rising......ya, try living in my skin with that.  A fire sign and a water sign.....a goal oriented free spirit.  I always have one foot on concrete (in a sensible running shoe) and the other in metaphysical land (in a sparkly hippie sandal).  I need to feel safe but not tied down.  I want to be spontaneous but have to know the plan.  I am a constant contradiction.  I know...believe me, I know.  I think its kinda cool that I can kick ass and get things done...in a tie dye shirt.  Just yesterday, I increased my life insurance policy and redid my retirement plan, while researching where to have my nose pierced.   As I get older, I cultivate the Aquarius woman, the wild woman, I am happiest in her skin but my Aries side is still very present.  If I do things that don't make sense to you, it's ok with me.  I make perfect sense to me.

I am Heidi- I believe in God, Jesus, Angels, the Universe, energy, and spirit guides.  I read scriptures and oracle cards, have psychic readings, go to drum circle, carry crystals, paint intuitively, pray often and meditate.  And I believe that all of those things bring me closer to Source...to God.  All of those things are gifts from God so that I can feel His presence.  I don't go to church anymore because I couldn't feel Him there, I go out into nature to be with God, just as Jesus did.  

I am Heidi-sometimes I'm brave and fearless, and sometimes I am not.  I live with my heart wide open....love fiercely. If I love someone I give everything and once I love you, I always love you.  The trouble with that is I seem to only be attracted to men who cant open themselves to me.  Its an old pattern whose origin is with my father. I dont know if I will ever break the pattern, but I know its there and isnt a reflection of my worthiness to be loved.  I know that I believe in being madly in love, so I will just keep trying.

I am Heidi-I am disorganized, messy, forgetful, scattered  and sometimes lazy.  I am also creative, funny, loyal, and have thought of 26 new projects to do before breakfast.  Fun fact: I will probably start 4 of them and actually finish one.  I am fantastic at ideas, execution is not so much my thing.  I like the building process, I don't really care about outcomes.  I have to create, just like I have to breathe that's all I know.

I am Heidi-I exist in this world in a different way than most people.  I feel my way through......I feel everything and everybody.  If you have a soul, I can feel you.  It's kind of a pain in the ass sometimes and it can be overwhelming sometimes too.  I never make decisions based on my thoughts....I hate thinking.  I choose jobs, cars, places to live, clothes, partners, friends, etc. by what their energy feels like to me.  That's what the trees are about.  I love the trees because they feel like old grandmothers to me. I love how they ground their roots deep into the earth while they reach heavenward....I try to do that too.

I am Heidi-I have junk....old junk that I carry around as part of my life experience.  Junk that screwed me up, changed who I was, and nearly killed me a time or two.  Junk that brings me to my knees every once in a while.  The thing is, I am not my junk. I don't allow it to define who I am even when it occasionally seeps through the cracks. It's just a reminder of how far I've come.

I am Heidi-I have a thick waist, large uneven breasts, a few grey hairs and deep laugh lines.  I have eight tattoos, a nob on my nose, a mole on the top of my head (thankfully covered by hair) and I love all of it.  It all tells my story.  MY story....the story of who I am.

I haven't forgotten who I am.......I remember..... and I love me.    

Finding My Way

If you had told me 4 months ago that I would be moving to Oregon, changing careers, and basically  starting life over, I would have laughed at you.  I had no idea that listening to my heart would result in an unexpected trip to the Oregon coast that would reveal to me that that was where I needed to be.  I set a goal of a year-I would go in a year.  I still had work to do in AZ.  What is it they say? "If you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans" .  I came home from that trip to learn that the grant funding for my job that I love wasn't renewed.  I had three months left....new plan  Everything that has happened since, has felt guided and completely out of my control. Everything I have needed/wanted has been given to me and everything that I am passionate about has been dropped at me feet..  I have learned to just trust the plan that God has for me.  Amazing things are ahead. I know this with absolute certainty.

The thing is, I'm scared.  Usually, when I do stuff like this-that looks crazy to everyone else, I'm fearless or at least brave.  But this time I am doing this without my wingman.  Back in the day (when I did things like this frequently) it was BFF Stephen that would support me, drive me there, get me settled in (cant tell you how many times he happily moved my futon and books) and take me in if it ended in disaster.  But he is gone......he's dead...he drowned.....still have to remind myself sometimes.  I dont have my wingman and I need him.  I need him to get me through this week of goodbyes, to keep me looking forward, to move my couch....to say "wench you've got this, now strap on a pair and let's do it".  All part of my journey I suppose-to be scared and do it anyway on my own.  I know I can do this without him...find my own way, I just don't want to.  I miss him, he should be here for this....once again God had other plans that I must trust.

Lot's of reflection and "last times" this week.  I had my last middle of the night call to take care of a rape victim.  I love the work that I do, It matters.  I will miss it and the amazing women who are on my team.  I had my last big sister family chaos Sunday dinner.  I love those-the dancing nieces in tutus, holding babies, guitars, good food, stories, games, lots of choas, lots of laughter, and lots of love.  This week, I got to see my brother Alan for the first time in many years.  He has grown into a beautiful man-funny, handsome, gentle, kind.  I could feel my fathers influence and look into his eyes and see my dad. I wish I knew him better.  It was probably the last time we will sit together since we are both going in different directions....but not really.  His couch is coming to Oregon with me so we will sit together often in spirit.  Right now I am sitting in the blue chair in Alpine that my sweet step dad used to sit in, likely for the last time.  I love this chair, its worn where his hands used to lay and I like that.  He used to call me "toots" and make me feel like I mattered.  I can feel that in this chair.  I will miss it.  I still have two more going away parties to get through, one more office to clean out and a closet full of shoes to let go of. Then the hardest goodbyes, that I am saving for last.

The big move is next week.  My energy will shift and I will turn my mind and my heart toward Oregon.  It will be about looking forward, new beginnings, new friendships, trusting God as my new wingman and finding my way.   

Letting Go

"She Let Go"

Without a thought or a word,
she let go. She let go of the fear.
She let go of the judgments. She
let go of the confluence of

opinions swarming around her
head. She let go of the committee
of indecision within her. She let
go of all the 'right' reasons.
Wholly and completely, without
hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn't ask anyone for advice.
She didn't read a book on how to
let go. She didn't search the
scriptures. She just let go. She let
go of all the memories that held
her back. She let go of all the
anxiety that kept her from moving
forward. She let go of the
planning and all of the
calculations about how to
do it just right.

She didn't promise to let go. She
didn't journal about it. She didn't
write the projected date in her
Day-Timer. She made no public
announcement and put no ad in
the paper. She didn't check the
weather report or read her daily
horoscope. She just let go.

She didn't analyze whether she
should let go. She didn't call her
friends to discuss the matter. She
didn't do a five-step Spiritual
Mind Treatment. She didn't call
the prayer line. She didn't utter
one word. She just let go.

No one was around when it
happened. There was no
applause or congratulations. No
one thanked her or praised her.
No one noticed a thing. Like a
leaf falling from a tree, she just
let go.

There was no effort. There
was no struggle. It wasn't good
and it wasn't bad. It was what it
was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let
it all be. A small smile came over
her face. A light breeze blew
through her. And the sun and the
moon shone forevermore.."   (Thank you Rev Safire Rose)

Reflections from another day by the sea

Feeling really blessed this evening.  I have had the priveledge of walking on nine beaches over the past two days of this unexpected trip.  Each one had its own treasures to find and brought its own insight to me.  When I got on a plane three days ago to come here, I wasnt even sure of my purpose for doing so.  I was listening to my heart and it told me I needed to come, so I did.  Not surprising was that I was able to experience the peace and healing that the sand between my toes always brings.  What I didnt expect was the clarity of my purpose for being here that unfolded and the complete understanding of what I want my life to be and the direction I need to take it.  This journey to authenticity is not quite finished it seems.

When I started down this path of finding Miss P. I made a decision to stop living in fear and live from a place of love.  It means living with my heart wide open all the time, really listening to it when it speaks to me and working really hard to stay in that space.  It means that I am really vulnerable  alot of the time. I feel things on a much deeper level than I used to-the good stuff like love, joy, peace, contentment but also the hard stuff like sadness, grief, loneliness.  I can also feel what other people are feeling too.  Its all part of living open hearted-its all or nothing.  I cant shut off the hard stuff and still feel the good stuff so I have learned to welcome it all.

So today after another profoundly joyful beautiful day by the sea,   I had to surrender when the wave of grief came as I drove inland through the wine country. Part of me was missing, the part that was suppose to be driving with me there.  I didnt see it coming and it hit me like a ton of bricks and I started sobbing.  I HATE the f-ing sobbing.  It's exhausting but I know that if I dont just surrender to it, it will show up as something else later. So I pull over, and lean in and sob...and sob...and sob.  I feel weak and raw and small, and I HATE it.  When I am finally done, I catch a glimpse of myself in the rearview mirror-not pretty. Not pretty at all but I am full of compasion for this brave girl I see.  I made a choice when this grief came to not medicate it (except for the tattoo), not shut down so I didnt have to feel it.  I chose to remain open hearted as I walked through this and as hard as it is, I am doing it.  So I guess I am not so small and weak after all.

There are still two days left of this journey.  I have no idea what they will bring or where I'm even going.  I am just trusting my heart to take me where I need to go.  What I do know is my heart is telling me that nothing in my life is what it is suppose to be right now. Nothing. I have to listen to that and it can only mean that BIG changes are ahead....another chapter of the journey.  Yes, feeling really blessed today.  Exhausted but blessed......and brave.....no not brave, fearless.       

    

Lessons from the Oregon Coast

An unexpected trip to the Oregon Coast has also brought some unexpected lessons/revelations today.

1. From the drive: Pay attention.  If you dont you miss the beauty that is under your nose.
 
2.  From the ocean: My soul needs the ocean.  I can't go 9 months  without my feet in the sand again.  It's not healthy for me or the people I love who have to deal with me.

3. From the sand dollars that were everywhere:  You can only see the beauty of the broken sand dollars when you stop comparing them to the whole/perfect ones.

4.  From the drift wood:  Sometimes the rough seas are there to soften your edges.

5.  From the slow to emerge sun:  The  dark skies are temporary.

6.  From a friend:  Forgiveness, whether giving or receiving-is a gift.

7. From the hotel desk clerk: Joy is contagious.

8. From a sunset:  Sometimes you just have to stop thinking and doing so much.  Be still and soak it up.

9.  From the day:  Sometimes the best days are the ones where there is no plan.  Go with the flow.  

Please Honor My Silence...Again.

I find myself back in this familiar place of grieving....profound grieving.  I have retreated, as I always do when I am in this place.  I need space and solitude to process what has happened and begin to heal.  I know when I do this, that it is difficult for the people who love me and want to help but you can't. What I need most is for you to honor my silence and stillness.  Trust that I am safe and that I know what I need to heal.

Please don't ask me how I am.  It forces me to stop and assess and I just end up in a million pieces.  Right now I am getting through minute by minute, soon hour by hour, then day by day.  If I get to a place where I need help, I will let you know-promise.

Please don't touch me.  I can't tolerate the closeness.  I am so raw that my skin hurts.  If I need you to hug me, I will ask for one.

Please dont ask me what happened.  Even if I could find the words to tell you my story, you would not be able to comprehend the depth, the beauty or the sacredness of it.  No, this story will never be told.  Out of love, respect and gratitude for him, it will remain in the deepest place of my soul and on the pages where it has been written.  Yes, it was worth every minute of this heartache and I would do it all over again even knowing how this chapter ends.

Please don't be offended.  I don't want to know what you think I should do, or what you think I need.  I've done this grieving thing before, remember? I know what I need and that is for you to honor my silence....again.