Awakening Woman

"Awakened Woman"work in progress

I am so glad to say goodbye to 2013.  It was undoubtedly one of the post painful years of my life-the betrayal of family and loss of identity,and  the betrayal of my lover all happened within a short period of time- and it sent me into a tail spin from which I was not sure I could recover. Thankfully, I am pretty good at starting over- so here I go!

Every year I chose a word or words that will be my focus for the year.  This year is it LISTEN.  My focus will be to LISTEN to my intuition, and to my body. I want to notice and and better flow with my natural rhythms and how I connect with the rhythms of Mother Earth.  I have already noticed a change in what I eat and an overwhelming need to be in the moonlight (not easy in Oregon).  I have slowed down to soak up more of the beauty around me.  I have conversations with birds and squirrels, LISTEN to the sound of the water flowing in the creek.  When I need rest, I rest.  When I need solitude, I wander. When I need peace, I paint....yesterday it was painting all day..in my pajamas...glorious!

Like many women, I am being called to be in circle with other women who want to tune into these rhythms and illuminate the Divine Feminine within themselves and for the planet.  I am devoting all of my art this year to this process and plan to go deep and LISTEN to what she has to teach me.  This feels like a gentle time, a softer time, a feminine time.  I don't want to climb any mountains, or slay any dragons.  I am practicing the art of being, holding space for myself and my tribe sisters to heal and come into themselves for nourishment.  I love being in the midst of my own awakening and the awakening of the beautiful divine women around me.  It is a powerful thing to witness someone discovering their sacredness.

So 2013, I say goodbye to you with gratitude for the lessons learned. 2014 I am ready.  My intentions are set,  my vision board is complete, I am an empty vessel ready to receive love, guidance, healing, grace and possibilities-let's start manifesting.

Lessons Learned From the Past Year and Moving Forward

I have spent the last few weeks looking for the lessons in the events of the past year and.trying to be grateful for those lessons.  No doubt it has been a difficult time this last month as the story of Mark's infidelity and deciet unfolded, but I am in a good place now, looking toward my future rather than back at every detail of the betrayal.  Life is just too precious to waste one minute, hour or day reliving a painful past.  Most days I feel strong and ready to face the future, the dark days are fewer and fewer.

So the lessons are simple PAY ATTENTION and TRUST MYSELF.  That's it.  Turns out I had stopped paying attention to so many things over the past year- most importantly, I had stopped paying attention to my INTUITION. There were times when I actually felt like the other woman, when I ignored knowing I was being lied to, ignored when my gut was telling me something was wrong.  I had also stopped paying attention to my needs, my passions, my hopes and dreams.  I have spent some time going deep to figure out what all of that is again.  I am making it a point to slow down and pay attention-whether it is to my thoughts and feelings, the people I pass on the street, or the beautiful landscape around me....I am just paying attention. Trusting myself, the journey, the universe, other people-that has been a little more challenging but I'm getting there....it will come, I am sure of it..

Moving forward I have decided to say YES to everything that comes my way...even if its scary.  Not just YES but HELL YES.  I am excited for the new year and all of the opportunities that are on the horizon...I am going to be 50 next year and plan on RAISING HELL.  I have started working on my vision board for 2014 and it looks like it is going to be EPIC.  I am committed to living WHOLEHEARTEDLY still and accepting the price of vulnerability that come with that.

As is my tradition I always choose a word or two to use as my theme for the new year......can you guess what 2014's is going to be"

HELL YES!

I Was The Other Woman

This has been one of the most difficult weeks of my like.  I can think of nothing more painful, other than the loss of my sweet friend Steven.  You see, on Monday I learned that my former boyfriend got married.  Big deal, right?  Well..... by former boyfriend I mean we decided to just be friends SEPTEMBER 10th.  "Get rid of girlfriend" must have been on the pre-wedding checklist, along with order flowers, and get a ring.   I am not sure how he thought this was going to play out.  His attempt to keep this from me consisted of deleting me and everyone we knew in common from his facebook page.  He didn't count on old fashioned word of mouth.  

As his lies unraveled this week, I learned that he has been engaged the entire duration of our relationship-more than a year.  Us planning a life together, him telling me he loved me everyday, making love-it was all just a....what?  Game? This isn't high school anymore....ya, he did the same thing to me then.  He was texting me to arrange a meeting a half hour before he said his vows.  I saw him 4 times after he was married and he never mentioned it and of course his wife had no idea he was with me.  He is a broken man, who has now created two broken women and some very confused children.  What is sad is there is a good man under all of his damage.

I keep getting asked "how could you not know" which really doesn't help the pain and humiliation that I am feeling.  I didnt know because I trusted him then.  In retrospect, yes, I should have seen it, there were tiny signs. Not letting me tag him in photos of us on facebook, an excuse every holiday, me not meeting his family when they came to town,  most of our time together being during the day-he was a master at explaining away everything......yes, I should have seen it. But I didn't, I have joined THAT women's club...against my will.  The story is out now, at least all I want to know.  His pastor knows, his wife knows, his family knows and now he has to be accountable.  

So I have spent this whole week trying to JUST BREATHE....minute by minute.  Trying to ground myself when everything is spinning out of control.  JUST BREATHE.....JUST BREATHE.  I realized that I had been carrying this low level anxiety in my gut for a long time.  My intuition trying to tell me things weren't right-that's gone now.  I suppose one of the lessons from this is to LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN to intuition. TRUST it.  ALWAYS. . 

I don't know what the future holds, its too hard to look in that direction right now.  It's also too hard to look back, so I am practicing just being PRESENT.  "Just this, just this" is my mantra right now.  I am practicing self love/self care as much as possible, drinking too much wine, praying, painting, walking,doing yoga, calling on my spirit guides and my tribe sisters for strength.   Somehow under the weight of all of this I am beginning to feel lighter.  For this moment, I will JUST BREATHE..

The Worst Kind of "Domestic" Violence

October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  Statistically, 1 in 4 women will experience domestic (aka interpersonal) violence in her lifetime.  That means we all know someone or have experienced interpersonal violence ourselves.  This is an important topic and I don't want to be dismissive but I want to talk about a bigger epidemic that needs to be addressed and that is INNER personal violence.  Every woman I know has experienced this because we do it to ourselves. We wage war against ourselves, bully ourselves,  withhold love from ourselves.  We speak to ourselves in way we would never speak to another person....call ourselves fat, ugly, unworthy,stupid, etc.  We abuse our bodies with unhealthy habits.  We commit acts of violence against ourselves everyday and don't even recognize it. Even worse, as they watch us perpetrate against ourselves, we are teaching our daughters to do it too.......opening the door for them to attract men who will reinforce the negative beliefs they have about themselves.  

It is time for us to extend ourselves some compassion, grace, acceptance and love.  To proclaim our "enoughness" just as we are.  To recognize ourselves as the amazingly imperfect goddesses that we are. To be good in our skin no matter what it looks like.

I read this from Chris Zydel this morning:

It doesn't matter if you made some choices that did not turn out the way you expected them too. If you ended up feeling disappointed. Or like you failed.

It doesn't matter if you promised yourself that you would stop doing something or start. And then you didn't. Or you stop and start and stop and start and don't get as far as you thought you would.

It doesn't matter if you're scared. And because you're scared you spend time agonizing and feeling paralyzed.

It doesn't matter if you think you made a mistake. Or others think you made a mistake. Or if you actually DID make a mistake.

It doesn't matter if you keep falling off of your own personal wagon again and again and again. Or that you have patterns that you can't seem to break.

It doesn't matter if you make six figures, or lose that 10 pounds or have a house on the beach or are blissfully happy in your life.

The only thing that matters is that you keep yourself in your own heart. No matter what the external circumstances are. And if you can't do that, find someone else who can love you. And if they're not around , try and remember that Spirit doesn't care what you do or don't accomplish.

The only thing that matters to Spirit is love. Because Spirit is love. And you are Spirit. Which means YOU are love. And ARE loved. Always. No matter what. You are loved.

Thank you Chris. Every once in a while I need to be reminded what I am made of...who I am made of. I am grateful for tribe sisters who do that.

So to acknowledge Domestic Violence Awareness Month and to honor those women who have been lost to interpersonal violence, I am committing to end my INNER personal violence and start exercising grace and loving acts for myself. Please do the same.

PS..I love you

Remembering Who I Am

"You've forgotten who you are" she said to me.  I dismissed her.  She didn't know what she was talking about, I remember thinking at the time.  Fast forward a week or so and it hit me like a brick.  She was right, I had slowly given myself away again.  Slowly stopped doing all of the things that I love so that I wouldn't offend someone that I cared about.  Sold myself out so I could be more acceptable....shit. Self betrayal is the worst kind.

I have spend the last week digging deep, rediscovering myself, replenishing my spirit that had been squashed, reclaiming every piece of my soul that had gotten scattered.  I remember now......I remember.....

I am Heidi-a wild woman, a gypsy soul, a goddess, a warrior, an empath, a healer, an artist.

I am Heidi- an Aries with Aquarius rising......ya, try living in my skin with that.  A fire sign and a water sign.....a goal oriented free spirit.  I always have one foot on concrete (in a sensible running shoe) and the other in metaphysical land (in a sparkly hippie sandal).  I need to feel safe but not tied down.  I want to be spontaneous but have to know the plan.  I am a constant contradiction.  I know...believe me, I know.  I think its kinda cool that I can kick ass and get things done...in a tie dye shirt.  Just yesterday, I increased my life insurance policy and redid my retirement plan, while researching where to have my nose pierced.   As I get older, I cultivate the Aquarius woman, the wild woman, I am happiest in her skin but my Aries side is still very present.  If I do things that don't make sense to you, it's ok with me.  I make perfect sense to me.

I am Heidi- I believe in God, Jesus, Angels, the Universe, energy, and spirit guides.  I read scriptures and oracle cards, have psychic readings, go to drum circle, carry crystals, paint intuitively, pray often and meditate.  And I believe that all of those things bring me closer to Source...to God.  All of those things are gifts from God so that I can feel His presence.  I don't go to church anymore because I couldn't feel Him there, I go out into nature to be with God, just as Jesus did.  

I am Heidi-sometimes I'm brave and fearless, and sometimes I am not.  I live with my heart wide open....love fiercely. If I love someone I give everything and once I love you, I always love you.  The trouble with that is I seem to only be attracted to men who cant open themselves to me.  Its an old pattern whose origin is with my father. I dont know if I will ever break the pattern, but I know its there and isnt a reflection of my worthiness to be loved.  I know that I believe in being madly in love, so I will just keep trying.

I am Heidi-I am disorganized, messy, forgetful, scattered  and sometimes lazy.  I am also creative, funny, loyal, and have thought of 26 new projects to do before breakfast.  Fun fact: I will probably start 4 of them and actually finish one.  I am fantastic at ideas, execution is not so much my thing.  I like the building process, I don't really care about outcomes.  I have to create, just like I have to breathe that's all I know.

I am Heidi-I exist in this world in a different way than most people.  I feel my way through......I feel everything and everybody.  If you have a soul, I can feel you.  It's kind of a pain in the ass sometimes and it can be overwhelming sometimes too.  I never make decisions based on my thoughts....I hate thinking.  I choose jobs, cars, places to live, clothes, partners, friends, etc. by what their energy feels like to me.  That's what the trees are about.  I love the trees because they feel like old grandmothers to me. I love how they ground their roots deep into the earth while they reach heavenward....I try to do that too.

I am Heidi-I have junk....old junk that I carry around as part of my life experience.  Junk that screwed me up, changed who I was, and nearly killed me a time or two.  Junk that brings me to my knees every once in a while.  The thing is, I am not my junk. I don't allow it to define who I am even when it occasionally seeps through the cracks. It's just a reminder of how far I've come.

I am Heidi-I have a thick waist, large uneven breasts, a few grey hairs and deep laugh lines.  I have eight tattoos, a nob on my nose, a mole on the top of my head (thankfully covered by hair) and I love all of it.  It all tells my story.  MY story....the story of who I am.

I haven't forgotten who I am.......I remember..... and I love me.    

Finding My Way

If you had told me 4 months ago that I would be moving to Oregon, changing careers, and basically  starting life over, I would have laughed at you.  I had no idea that listening to my heart would result in an unexpected trip to the Oregon coast that would reveal to me that that was where I needed to be.  I set a goal of a year-I would go in a year.  I still had work to do in AZ.  What is it they say? "If you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans" .  I came home from that trip to learn that the grant funding for my job that I love wasn't renewed.  I had three months left....new plan  Everything that has happened since, has felt guided and completely out of my control. Everything I have needed/wanted has been given to me and everything that I am passionate about has been dropped at me feet..  I have learned to just trust the plan that God has for me.  Amazing things are ahead. I know this with absolute certainty.

The thing is, I'm scared.  Usually, when I do stuff like this-that looks crazy to everyone else, I'm fearless or at least brave.  But this time I am doing this without my wingman.  Back in the day (when I did things like this frequently) it was BFF Stephen that would support me, drive me there, get me settled in (cant tell you how many times he happily moved my futon and books) and take me in if it ended in disaster.  But he is gone......he's dead...he drowned.....still have to remind myself sometimes.  I dont have my wingman and I need him.  I need him to get me through this week of goodbyes, to keep me looking forward, to move my couch....to say "wench you've got this, now strap on a pair and let's do it".  All part of my journey I suppose-to be scared and do it anyway on my own.  I know I can do this without him...find my own way, I just don't want to.  I miss him, he should be here for this....once again God had other plans that I must trust.

Lot's of reflection and "last times" this week.  I had my last middle of the night call to take care of a rape victim.  I love the work that I do, It matters.  I will miss it and the amazing women who are on my team.  I had my last big sister family chaos Sunday dinner.  I love those-the dancing nieces in tutus, holding babies, guitars, good food, stories, games, lots of choas, lots of laughter, and lots of love.  This week, I got to see my brother Alan for the first time in many years.  He has grown into a beautiful man-funny, handsome, gentle, kind.  I could feel my fathers influence and look into his eyes and see my dad. I wish I knew him better.  It was probably the last time we will sit together since we are both going in different directions....but not really.  His couch is coming to Oregon with me so we will sit together often in spirit.  Right now I am sitting in the blue chair in Alpine that my sweet step dad used to sit in, likely for the last time.  I love this chair, its worn where his hands used to lay and I like that.  He used to call me "toots" and make me feel like I mattered.  I can feel that in this chair.  I will miss it.  I still have two more going away parties to get through, one more office to clean out and a closet full of shoes to let go of. Then the hardest goodbyes, that I am saving for last.

The big move is next week.  My energy will shift and I will turn my mind and my heart toward Oregon.  It will be about looking forward, new beginnings, new friendships, trusting God as my new wingman and finding my way.   

Letting Go

"She Let Go"

Without a thought or a word,
she let go. She let go of the fear.
She let go of the judgments. She
let go of the confluence of

opinions swarming around her
head. She let go of the committee
of indecision within her. She let
go of all the 'right' reasons.
Wholly and completely, without
hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn't ask anyone for advice.
She didn't read a book on how to
let go. She didn't search the
scriptures. She just let go. She let
go of all the memories that held
her back. She let go of all the
anxiety that kept her from moving
forward. She let go of the
planning and all of the
calculations about how to
do it just right.

She didn't promise to let go. She
didn't journal about it. She didn't
write the projected date in her
Day-Timer. She made no public
announcement and put no ad in
the paper. She didn't check the
weather report or read her daily
horoscope. She just let go.

She didn't analyze whether she
should let go. She didn't call her
friends to discuss the matter. She
didn't do a five-step Spiritual
Mind Treatment. She didn't call
the prayer line. She didn't utter
one word. She just let go.

No one was around when it
happened. There was no
applause or congratulations. No
one thanked her or praised her.
No one noticed a thing. Like a
leaf falling from a tree, she just
let go.

There was no effort. There
was no struggle. It wasn't good
and it wasn't bad. It was what it
was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let
it all be. A small smile came over
her face. A light breeze blew
through her. And the sun and the
moon shone forevermore.."   (Thank you Rev Safire Rose)